“ I can guarantee you that whenever you are suffering it’s because of what you are saying to yourself and believing what you are saying to yourself. I can say that with great confidence.”

I wrote down this quote by Pema Chodron years ago. I stumbled upon it and noticed the statement’s power. You don’t often hear a Buddhist say “I guarantee” and “with great confidence” in (almost) the same sentence. So this week, I put Pema’s statement to the test.

And not surprisingly, it rang very true. I tried to look into my mind whenever I suffered, and without exception (!) this was when I was telling myself some kind of storyline about why my life was so inadequate. I acted like an advocate building up a case in courtroom, carefully summing up all the evidence for being such a miserable loser. If there was a self-pity competition, I could win an award.

Now, like all ego-centered emotions, self pity takes a lot of maintenance. We have to build up our case over and over again, to keep our storyline going. And it’s puzzling why we put in so much energy in something that only makes us suffer. Because, Lord knows, it is painful to lock yourself up in a story on why your life sucks. So why do we? Are we that sado-masochistic?

From my experience I think that it has to do with a lack of confidence in our direct, naked experience.  The miraculous thing is –and I challenge you to test this yourself- that in your direct experience (a.k.a. the ‘here and now’) there is no reason for depression. Strangely, miraculously, the present moment is free of suffering. It is maybe sad or clear or lonely or loud, but it is free of suffering. It is an open, fundamentally okay place. It transcends good or bad, happy or sad. It cuts through complaint and ego. Direct experience, in other words, is a different ball game. It’s a sacred world within this world, always available and deeply, profoundly, trustworthy.

What keeps us from abiding in this direct experience are our deeply rooted mental habits. The trouble is that they feel so safe. We know them. Do you know the moments when you just wake up and there is just this open space. Then you remember -somewhere in the back of your mind or gut- that there was something, something going on that put your life in a frame of reference? And then, snap, within seconds you remember the reasons why you should feel miserable (“how could you forget that you just lost your love” or “you were in this terrible fight yesterday, remember” or “that person screwed me so bad”) and it is like a tape that is put on ‘play’ again. Although it makes us feel miserable, it gives us some strange kind of familiarity, “oh, yes, that was what’s going on” which gives us the feeling that we can now start our (miserable) day. 

So the challenge is clear. First, test Pema’s words and see what makes you suffer. It you, like me, find that this is indeed because of what you are saying to yourself (and believing it), then try to just drop the storyline. Just once in a while, for Pete’s sake; drop it. It feels unnatural and awkward maybe, but remember that this is just because we are not used to experiencing what is our birthright: a state of being that is naturally open, clear and unfathomably vast like the sky.  It’s just a leap away. And I can say that with great confidence, too.